finding patterns
by Asradiantasthesun
Summary: modern au/ clarke and costia couldn't be more different ( alike ) / clexa vs. bellarke


Hello everyone! Hiatus is eating me from the inside and I have lots of Costia/Clarke/Lexa/Bellamy feelings lately, so I just wrote this one-shot out of the blue. Hope you like it. Please, keep in mind I'm not a native speaker and I'm trying my best :). And COMMENT please. Coments are everything. Enjoy ! :D

* * *

At first sight, Costia and Clarke are as different as night and day.

Costia is –_was_, Lexa reminds herself; was, forever and ever – ebony skin and long legs; raven hair in a messy bun, a pair of glasses, purple glittery nail polish, little flowery dresses. Nothing rounded, just sharp angles; cheekbones and knees and elbows, but her voice sweet and calm like the world after the storm.

Clarke smells like antiseptics and smiles too little and too careful, as if she forgot how to do it properly; she wears jeans and sweaters that swallow her whole and make her look tiny in comparison with anyone, even though she's not that short. Clarke is all made out of curves, soft lines, but her voice can be rough and freezing like ice.

There is nothing which connects them. Nothing.

( except for the most important things. They both took her heart. And they both got away.)

* * *

The funny part is, Clarke laughs exactly like Costia; maybe far more rare, but still, the pattern is the same; trembling shoulders and head thrown back, laughing out loud and giving literally no shit who listens.

The first time Lexa hears Clarke laugh like that is the sunny day in the middle of particularly hot May ; she makes her way across the dorm, already late for her political science lecture, when she hears it, and literally freezes in place.

She feels as if she heard a ghost, an echo, because she knows this laugh so well, it was so present in her life since forever till last year, it almost causes her physical pain.

She looks around and spots that one doors are ajar, so she takes a few steps nearer; she can see a small room, looking exactly like her own ( maybe a bit more messy) and a girl sitting on a bed with a laptop on her lap.

The girl has blond locks framing her round face and laughs so hard, that tears are streaming down her cheeks.

\- It wasn't _that_ funny Princess. – comes the male voice from inside the computer; Lexa assumes the blonde is skyping with somebody

\- Yes, yes it was. I can't believe Murphy did this to you. – girl manages to stutter in-between bursts of laughter. She calms down a bit, but she still giggles quietly, all blushed as she wipes away her tears.- Jesus. Please, give him a kiss from me.

\- I really don't need to be smacked, Clarke-

''_Clarke_''

Lexa feels thar casual eavesdropping some stranger's- cute, blonde stranger's named Clarke – conversation is not entirely okay, so she leaves quietly and rushes to her lecture, but she can't stop smiling all the afternoon.

Even when Anya totally loses it and screams at her in front of the whole class.

( she just missed this damn laughter so much)

* * *

Clarke Griffin is two years younger than her, she is pre-med and she's living with this genius chick that practically has a contract with NASA. Also, she's Lincoln's girlfriend's brother's best friend.

And she's totally single.

( Lexa has no idea why Lincoln felt it was necessary to provide her this particular information)

To be honest, Lexa doesn't really know how and why she developed this slight obsessive behavior towards this girl. Yeah, she's really hot and apparently smart and can be funny if she's a bit tipsy, but Lexa's not really looking for a girlfriend and besides, she's not over Costia yet and will probably never be and the thought of replacing her with somebody else is terrifying.

But she can't stop catching glimpses of Clarke's golden hair in a dorm; she can't stop hearing her low voice at the corridors and she's damn haunted by this stupid laughter ringing in her ears whenever she goes. It's totally bizarre that Clarke was there all semester and she haven't even noticed her at all and now she's _everywhere_.

And when Lexa realizes that she can't just sleep off her stupid (_ugh_) crush-thing, she takes a deep breath, braces herself and knocks on her doors.

Clarke might be pre-med, but she minors in Art and needs a model for her mythology project- and is more than thrilled, when Lexa offers her help.

She paints her as a Nike, with blood on her cheekbones, long cape and smudged black war paint around her eyes.

\- So, how can I thank you for this? You practically saved my ass. – smiles Clarke, leaning on a doorframe, her blue top stained with reds and blacks and browns.

\- Will you go for a coffee with me? – Lexa says before she can even think about it.

Clarke is silent for a moment and Lexa wants to die, but then she nods.

\- Yes.

( turns out, Clarke and Costia have some more things in common; they both like to be on top.

Lexa doesn't really mind.)

* * *

Bellamy Blake is like a thorn in her side.

They've just started dating officially and everything is freaking perfect. Clarke can drink her under the table, knows how to say ''fuck off' in twenty different languages and one time, she listed all of the bones in her body while touching them when they were laying in the bed and that was so incredibly hot that Lexa will probably remember it until she's old and wrinkled.

They binge watch game of thrones and then switch to two broke girls to eventually settle on orphan black, because this show is just awesome and they ship the same parings, which, in Lexa's opinion, is a freaking miracle.

So everything is perfect. Well, until it's not.

And it's not like they're arguing; no, they rarely disagree and when they do, they try to compromise instead of screaming at each other. But Bellamy is this one and only topic they can never reach an agreement on.

Clarke's former number one enemy, now absolutely best friend, a soldier taking part in a mission somewhere at the end of the world when he doesn't have internet and when he does, he apparently has nothing else to do, but skype with Clarke.

Lexa's not jealous. She really isn't.

But it's a bit hard to see how her girlfriend's face light up, whenever she sees he's calling. And then she drops everything- literally everything; Lexa saw her dropping a syringe once - and rushes to answer.

It's also a bit hard, when she realized that she's never managed to make her laugh like that first time again.

Lexa used to make Costia laugh all the time. Everything she did was apparently hilarious, because Costia would randomly burst into laughter in weirdest, most inappropriate situations. But Clarke? Clarke could smile around her and chuckle and even giggle from time to time- but that lovely, honest laugh?

She hears it more than that first time. But it is never for her.

It is for Bellamy, it is always for Bellamy and Bellamy only and it is driving her _crazy_.

And sometimes Clarke would get sad without any reason and she wouldn't tell her why- but all it takes is a few of Bellamy's hushed words and she would smile again.

And sometimes they hang out with Clarke's friends and Lexa swears, every ''Mom and Dad'' and ''King and Queen'' mention is like a punch in the gut and Bellamy is not there, but he could as well be, his presence is so real.

The craziest thing is, she would probably genuinely like Bellamy if she just let it go. He seems like a nice guy- and not ''look at me, I'm so nice'' nice guy, more like ''I can be rude and angry and aggressive, but inside I'm an actual puppy dog and I love my little sister to the bits'' nice guy. He is sarcastic and fiercely loyal and Clarke loves him a lot and he loves her even more- and that's the part that makes Lexa sleepless.

Because _how can Clarke be so blind for god's sake_?

Every single one of their Bellamy arguments looks the same.

Clarke would say they are just friends. And Lexa would stand there hopeless because how can she respond_? But he makes you laugh in the way that I can't? But he knows parts of you, you refuse to show me? But it took me one look at his face as he was looking at you to know that he's completely in love with you?_

She can't say any of those things. So she says nothing.

Unlike Bellamy fucking Blake, who apparently always know what to say , she can be speechless sometimes.

* * *

When Costia became ill, she didn't simply die one day. No, it happened gradually; she was slowly drifting away, slipping from Lexa's desperate hands until she was no more.

When Bellamy comes home, Lexa feels the strange kind déjà vu, because situation is completely different but it feels exactly the same.

They all go to the airport to greet him and Octavia is the first to hug him, yes, but Lexa sees how his eyes search through the crowd and capture Clarke's and she sees Clarke, who manages to only make a few steps until Bellamy scoops her up into his arms and she laughs with _this damn laugh_ and they spin like in a fucking romantic comedy, his face pressed to her golden hair, her fingers twisted in his brown curls.( And it's impossible not to see that crown Clarke wears tattooed on her wrist has its twin on Bellamy's one)

Watching them is weirdly pleasing in an esthetic sort of way, because they look so good together, all contrasts; muscles and curves, black and white, the moon and the sun.

Raven stands beside her and sighs.

-Yeah.

-They don't know.. I mean, they aren't aware of what they're doing, right?- Lexa asks her, some sort of hopelessness in her voice that terrifies her.

Raven just nods.

* * *

Between school and Bellamy, Clarke rarely has time for her now.

They've moved in together a couple of weeks before, but most of the time, she's not home. Sometimes when she is, it's almost like it used to be; they make muffins, Clarke teaches her how to use a gun and opens up a bit while telling her about her dad and a guy named Finn ( Lexa has always knew Clarke has her own ghost; she just didn't know they are as real as hers) and they make love and whisper promises and count stars laying on the roof on summer's nights and Lexa comes home to find Clarke dressed in that one short black dress, a glass of wine and her favorite mint ice creams on the table.

But most of the time, they just argue. About several things now… but there is only one root to all those problems.

They dance around this topic, play with it and end up shouting, screaming and it's freaking nightmare, because Lexa _loves_ Clarke and Clarke is perfect, but Clarke is just not_ hers, _not in the way Costia was.

And they would argue and then fuck and then Clarke would leave that later they would both pretend she wasn't at Bellamy's.

Only she was.

And Lexa knows Clarke would never cheat on her. No, Clarke despises betrayal and values loyality way too much, she had fair share of both in her life and was made the other woman once, so it's literally no way. They probably just talk, or use this weird non-verbal understanding they seem to have. Maybe even sleep in the same bed, wrapped around each other like trees sharing the same roots. Somehow, it hurts so much worse than simply cheating. Because it means so much more.

Lexa can almost physically fell Bellamy's judgment, when they meet. It's not even _I would be better for her. _It's more like _I am better for her. And we both know it._

Yeah, they do know it.

* * *

Clarke is not Costia.

( the truth is, Lexa has been playing pretend all this time, since that day in May, since the very beginning, picking the pieces of Clarke she liked most and ignoring other ones, trying to shape her, to change her. And all this time, Bellamy just silently loved her. And that turned out to be so much more)

And the truth is, she didn't even leave like Costia had left, even though Lexa thought so. No. Clarke was simply never hers in the first place).

Lexa packs her books and knives and clothes and leaves one particularly hot May morning; Clarke is leaning on the doorframe, her hair in a messy bun, sad but calm. Lexa kisses her on the cheek and when she drives away, in the corner of her eye she can see Bellamy's car .

But that's okay, she guesses.

( it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.)

* * *

The next time they see each other, it's almost two years later.

Lincoln is beaming near the altar and Octavia looks so happy, Lexa's surprised she's not levitating above the floor . They're both so ridiculously in love that, for a moment, she feels a bit sad, but then she brushes off her feelings and focuses on the thoughts about the election she has just won and how much work is waiting for her on Monday and the world becomes a nice place again. She has recently discovered that keeping your hands busy is an excellent distraction from all the happy couples surrounding her from everywhere and all the dead friends' faces haunting her in her sleep. And, for the first time in a long time, she can say she's actually satisfied with her life. Being in politics is great. Her new flat is great and her new friends are great and her cat is always waiting for her when she comes home.

So yeah, it's pretty nice.

She hears her laugh before she sees her and she turns around slowly, bracing herself and taking deep breath.

Clarke is standing near Octavia, her hair up in some kind of loose bun held in place by small flower crown and she's wearing light pink dress that makes her look like an actual princess. Bellamy has one hand on the small of her back and he watches her laugh and Lexa has never seen anyone looking at somebody with such expression on their face. It's not even fondness or affection; it's just love. Pure love.

And when Clarke stops laughing and stands on her tiptoes to kiss him and then she looks him in the eyes, Lexa can see that his feelings are clearly mutual.

But that's okay. Clarke deserves it.

Lexa already had her big tragic love story. She wishes, with all her heart, that Clarke's one have a very, very happy ending ( and that's exactly how it's looking like)

* * *

(She kept the Nike painting. It's hanging in her cabinet in White House.)

She and Clarke Griffin were never destined for each other. But it doesn't mean it didn't matter.


End file.
